Chapter 7

“I think it’s shaping up to be a great song,” Lucas said as they cleaned up.  “Next Saturday morning we should be able to finish it.  Think we’ll hear something about our next show then?”

“Probably.  Carrie mentioned something about later this month.  Just waiting on official word from her old man.”  Adrian hoisted his guitar and leaned in towards Lucas.  “Whenever it is, I’m probably going to have a surprise that night.”

“Oh?” Lucas said, confused.  The other band members were already in their vehicles or on their way out.  Lucas waved to them, then comprehension dawned.  “Oh!  So soon?”

Adrian winked and held an index finger to his lips, reminding Lucas to keep quiet.  Lucas was the only person who knew about his impending engagement.  “I’ll let you know the details later.”  With that, he closed the door, leaving Lucas alone to process this revelation.

Or so he thought.

“Finally.  I was wondering if they’d ever leave.”

Fuck.

The sultry voice behind him drew closer, and he felt gentle hands touch his back before encircling his waist.  Sara nestled her face against the back of his neck and sighed.  “It’s been so difficult to get you alone lately.”

This was largely due to the fact that Lucas planned it this way.  From the beginning of their relationship, one thing was clear:  any moment spent alone together involved Sara trying to get his pants off.  Whereas most guys he knew hopped into bed with the first girl that was willing, the thought was daunting to Lucas.  He was a virgin, and the idea of Sara being his first was not particularly appealing to him.  He chalked it up to the way she objectified him; not even him, but his status in the local music scene.  She was convinced Sunder was seconds away from worldwide fame, despite it being a one-in-a-million chance they would ever see success outside the metropolitan area, or perhaps the state if they were lucky.  It was obvious she wanted to be That Girl, the one on the arm of the frontman of one of the most popular bands in the world, at least in her fantasy.  Lucas wanted out desperately, but there was no gentle way to break it off.  Instead he tried to show indifference, hoping she would give up on her own, and he never, ever, allowed himself to be alone with her.

Fuck.

“Lucas,” she said softly.  He could feel the warmth of her breath against his neck.  “I think I’ve waited long enough, don’t you?”

“Sara,” he responded as he placed a hand over hers, which was trying to sneak under his shirt.  “You know I’m . . .”

“A virgin, yeah,” she finished for him in exasperation.  She pushed herself away and flopped down on the couch.  “Are you planning to stay that way forever?”

“Of course not.”  There wasn’t a Miss Manners-approved way of adding, “but I really can’t stand you, much less see myself sleeping with you,” so he sat precariously on the couch as if ready to leap out of harm’s way at any moment.  Suddenly he saw a possible way out of danger.  “You know, tonight’s not really a good night.  I don’t even have my room.  Julian’s borrowing it until we can get to the store tomorrow.  I’m sleeping on the couch.”  He said this with an air of finality, as if that marked the end of the discussion.

Sara thought otherwise.  She inched closer to Lucas, who tried not to visibly cringe.  “This couch?” she asked as she leaned towards him.  She placed her left hand on his right cheek and turned his face towards hers.  She kissed him softly.  “It’s a comfortable couch.”  Her lips brushed against his as she whispered.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Lucas jumped away from Sara.  She smiled wickedly and moved in again.  He was trapped now as she gently pushed him downward so that his upper body lay on the couch while his feet remained on the floor.  She knelt over him, one knee almost wedged between the back of the couch and the seat cushions, the other between his legs.  She rested her elbows on the armrest on either side of his head and kissed him again, much more forcefully than before.  He couldn’t back away due to his positioning.  He tried to open his mouth to protest, but she took it as an invitation to plunge her tongue into his mouth, nearly choking him with the force of it.  He tried to push her away, but short of throwing her across the room he couldn’t make her budge.

He was forced to endure her kiss until she was ready to come up for air.  As soon as he had a chance to breathe and speak, he took it.  “What if he wakes up?”

“He seemed pretty tired to me.  But so what?  Doesn’t it seem a little more daring this way?”  The idea seemed to excite her more.  Lucas tried another tactic.

“I don’t have anything.”

“Good thing I was a Girl Scout, then.”  She leaned over and rummaged briefly through her purse, reappearing in his line of sight with a square foil package.  “I’m always prepared.”  She looked at Lucas questioningly.  “So what do you say?”

He was out of viable excuses, and he couldn’t bring himself to callously say no without an explanation.  It was only sex, after all.  No big deal.  It happened every day between people that didn’t love each other.  Hell, it happened every day between people that didn’t even know each other.  He closed his eyes, swallowed hard, and nodded.

He felt her lips upon his again, gently this time.  He couldn’t fake his way through this.  He reciprocated her affections by returning the kiss with more pretend passion than he had ever mustered before.  Her right hand started from behind his neck and moved quickly down his chest and abdomen until it found the hem of his shirt.  When it touched bare skin it reversed and retraced its route more slowly.  She reached his chest again, found his nipple, and gave it a slight pinch.  Lucas supposed it was meant to feel good, but it only hurt.  He hissed in reaction to the pain.  Sara misinterpreted it as pleasure.

“Like that?” she whispered between hisses.  She did it again, harder this time, and Lucas grunted.  She giggled, pleased with herself, then sighed.  “Don’t you want to touch me?”

The entire time Lucas had kept his hands firmly planted on the small of her back.  At this hint, he slid them under her tight pink top.  It rode up as his hand rose, tracing her spine and then slipping around to the front.  He caught a brief glimpse of one of her B-cups before his left hand covered it.  It didn’t feel the way he’d expected it.  He’d always imagined it would feel firmer, more muscular.  Instead it was soft and filled his hand like a bag full of water.  He found it odd that his first time touching a breast was doing nothing for him; most guys, he surmised, would be ready to go at this point, no matter who they were with.

She sighed and bit her lip as his thumb grazed her nipple, which stood out like a pebble against the softness surrounding it.  She lay down so that their bare chests rested against one another.  “God, that feels incredible,” she said as she buried her face in his neck.

After a few moments of relishing in his touch, she stood up and readjusted her shirt.  She seductively raised her skirt upwards, revealing a flash of lacy white panties before hooking her thumbs over the flimsy elastic and sliding them off slowly, as if to tease him.  The angle didn’t afford him a view of anything interesting, not that he cared.  His goal tonight was to get this over with and sort out his feelings on the matter later.

Sara patted the side of his right leg.  He adjusted his position so that he was laying on the couch fully, his head still on one armrest and his feet pressed against the other.  She knelt down beside the couch and ran her hands across his chest.  Her fingertips skimmed along the surface of his skin.  They traveled downward to his navel, and even further, tracing the thin trail of hair that disappeared beneath the waistband of his jeans.  She quickly and deftly unbuttoned the jeans with a practiced hand.  She looked at his face expectantly as she lowered the zipper and slid her hand beneath the elastic of his boxers, wanting to see his reaction when she touched him for the first time.

It was her reaction that was the more dramatic one.  The look of expectancy morphed into a frown.  “Are you really this nervous about what’s-his-name hearing?”

Lucas gritted his teeth, wondering what it would take to make her shut up and get on with it so he could have some peace and quiet.  “I guess,” he said.  His own hand started to move towards hers.  “If you’ll give me a minute . . .”

“I’ll take care of that,” she said, playfully slapping him away with her free hand.  “Just relax, okay?  I promise to be quiet.  He’ll never know.”  With that she began stroking him.

Lucas closed his eyes.  He tried not to think about Sara.  Instead he focused purely in the physical sensation, a sensation sharply intensified when he felt her mouth on him.  The physiological response soon overcame his mental and emotional misgivings, and Sara seemed satisfied with the results.  He kept his eyes closed the whole time, trying not to lose what she had worked so hard to accomplish.  He felt her tug his jeans and boxers downward, heard the rip of the foil package, and felt the strange sensation of the thin latex being unrolled into place.  The couch shifted under Sara’s added weight as she straddled him.  “Ready?” she asked.

Before even getting a response, she lowered herself onto him.

She had apparently been ready for this moment for quite a while.  Within five minutes the ordeal was over for Lucas.  He felt a series of contractions, and she gave a quiet moan of pleasure, just barely loud enough for him to hear.  When she relaxed, she leaned down and snuggled her slightly sweaty body against Lucas, keeping him inside her.  Thankfully she didn’t seem to notice that he hadn’t enjoyed the experience as much as she obviously had.

He held this woman he did not love as she caught her breath, and felt sick.  He shouldn’t have done this.  He shouldn’t have led her on so long, giving her hope of whatever future she imagined them to have together.  If there hadn’t been an easy way out before, there certainly wasn’t one now.

These thoughts continued to plague him as she finally stirred.  She got up and shimmied back into her panties, while Lucas hastily removed the still-empty condom and quickly refastened his jeans and straightened his shirt.  He grimaced at the feel of her juices coating the latex and hurriedly wrapped it in a paper towel from the kitchen before tossing it in the trash can and washing his hands.

When he turned back to Sara, she had collected her purse and was standing by the door.  “I’d stay if you had your own bed.  Probably just as well, though.  I should get going anyway.  Unlike you, I don’t get Sundays off.”

“That’s alright.”  Lucas was eager for her to leave, but he remained polite.  “Don’t let the customers get to you.”  He hugged her boodbye.  She returned the hug and added yet another intense kiss for good measure.

“I can’t wait until next time.  There’s so much more I want to show you,” she whispered breathily.  “I’ll be at the next show for sure, if I don’t have some free time before then.  Finals coming up, you know.”

“I know.”  He gave her one last chaste kiss.  “Good night.”

He watched her as she walked out to her car, which was parked on the street parallel to the curb.  He waited until her car started and pulled away before collapsing into a nearby chair, shaking uncontrollably.  He rocked back and forth, trying to calm himself down.  He hadn’t expected to react like this.  Was it always like this the first time?  Would it get better with practice?  Was he just the only freak in the world who never wanted to have sex again?

Shower.  He needed a shower.  He grabbed some clean clothes from the laundry basket sitting on top of the dryer in the laundry nook and hurried to the bathroom.  He shut the door, threw the clothes onto the counter, and lunged for the toilet.  Whatever pizza remained in his stomach exited his system the same way it went in.  He heaved until there was nothing left, then fumbled for the handle to flush the remains of his dinner away before slumping back against the wall.  Something wasn’t right, not by a long shot.  Even with his lack of feelings towards Sara, he shouldn’t be feeling this dirty.

He brushed his teeth and showered, and this made him feel somewhat better.  He put the TV on sleep mode at a very low volume for white noise and relaxed on the couch, trying not to dwell on what just took place in that spot.  Eventually sleep found him, though it was restless and filled with snippets of dreams reliving his experience with Sara.

Lucas wasn’t greeted at the door so much as tackled by Adrian, who bent him over and placed him in a headlock as the rest of the guests watched from behind.  “‘Sup, little bro?” Adrian said as he playfully noogied Lucas.

“Dude, I’m three months older than you,” Lucas said as he broke free of Adrian’s grasp.

“Details, details,” Adrian said nonchalantly.  “You have any idea how weird it is having to ring the doorbell now?”  He looked over Lucas’s shoulder at the redhead trying desperately to merge with the paint on the wall and nodded in his direction.  “That the new roomie?”

Lucas motioned to Julian.  “They won’t bite, I promise.”  Julian stepped forward hesitantly for the introductions.  “Guys, this is Julian Mercier, my new roommate.  Julian, this is Adrian Wallace, lead guitarist, best friend, and former roommate.”

Julian approached the wild-looking and boisterous young man.  He offered his hand for a handshake, but Adrian clasped it in such a way as to pull Julian towards him and clap him on the shoulder twice with his free hand.  “What’s up?” he said before releasing his grip and stepping aside.

A tanned guy with shaggy brown hair entered the house next.  He carried two guitar cases and introduced himself as Troy.  Evan, the bass player, was a well-groomed brunette bearing several steaming pizza boxes.  Zack, the drummer, wore ragged clothes and long greasy black hair.  He had a girl in close pursuit.

“Picked up a stray,” he said as the girl pushed past everyone with a squeal and made a beeline for Lucas.  “She pulled in right behind us.”

“Lucas!” the petite blonde shrieked as she wrapped her arms around his neck.  She closed her eyes and pressed her lips against his, giving him a short but lingering kiss that was full of promise.  Lucas returned the hug and kiss and smiled at her, hoping it didn’t seem as forced as it felt.

“Hi, Sara.  Didn’t expect to see you for a couple of weeks at least.”

“Surprise!” she giggled.  “I found some free time and I missed you so much, I decided to come over.”  She kept her arms around his neck and turned to look at the stranger, resting the side of her face against Lucas’s chest.  “I’m Sara,” she said, smiling serenely.  “Lucas’s girlfriend.”

“I gathered,” Julian said.  He introduced himself to this last person, then stepped back as Troy squeezed by to set the guitar cases down in the living area.  He studied Sara and came to one decisive conclusion:  he hated everything about her.

She never took her hands off Lucas.  She was one of those girls who took a little too much pride in her appearance.  Her hair was naturally dark blonde, as evidenced by the roots that were beginning to show, and had been dyed three different lighter shades of blonde for highlights.  Everything about her appearance was perfect:  her perfectly styled hair, her perfectly applied makeup (all three pounds of it), and her perfect clothes.  She wore a very trendy skin-tight top that left her perfectly flat belly barely exposed.  The V-neck plunged downward, revealing her perfectly shaped cleavage.  Yes, even Julian couldn’t help but stare.  The fabric was the perfect shade of pink for her perfectly fair skin.

Julian didn’t necessarily have a problem with the fact that she put forth more effort than necessary into her appearance.  It was the simpering way she clung to Lucas and gazed at him adoringly that was disgusting.  She wanted the world to know she was his, or rather that he was hers.  She was more interested in status than in anything deeper than her shallow personality.  Lucas was just another status symbol to her.  She was dating the lead singer of a marginally popular local rock band; what more could a girl want?

Julian wanted to scream at Lucas to get rid of her immediately.  He could tell she was bad news and would only hurt Lucas in the long run.  He held his tongue, however.  He wasn’t going to let his surprisingly intense feelings toward Lucas interfere with a situation he knew very little about.

He couldn’t help but smile to himself at Lucas’s reaction to her affections.  He was uncomfortable and trying not to show it.  It was noticeable to him and the others, but Sara was too smitten to see it.

“Pizza is served!” bellowed Adrian.  The boxes lay open on the kitchen counter.  The smell hit Julian’s nostrils and his stomach gave an audible gurgle, reminding him he hadn’t eaten since his meager, coffee-less breakfast.

“Help yourself,” Lucas said to Julian as he disentangled himself from Sara’s arms.  She pouted and flopped onto the couch, curling up next to an armrest.  Lucas brought a plate with enough slices to feed both Sara and him, and she kicked her legs up and laid them over his lap as they ate.

The band lounged around on the couch and in chairs, with Adrian sprawled out on the floor.  They ate and discussed band business, most of which was lost on Julian, who sat apart from the crowd in the dining area eating his two slices of cheese pizza.  He hoped to go unnoticed, but during a lull in the business talk Adrian asked him about himself.  He briefly recounted the events of the past twenty-four hours, leaving out specifics on why exactly he had been kicked out, stating only that it had been a huge fight with his father.

Soon the pizza was gone and Adrian and Troy began unpacking their guitars.  Julian quietly excused himself to finish unpacking.  The house was well-insulated and Julian couldn’t hear the noise from the living room at all once he’d tuned his clock radio to his preferred radio station.

It was nearly ten o’clock at night by the time Julian was satisfied with the room.  The empty boxes were nested neatly on the bare mattress and all the extra bags were shoved into one single bag and placed inside the innermost box.  The clothes were organized just as he’d had them at home, and everything was in its proper place.

He was exhausted.  It had been a long, eventful day after a restless night, and it had drained him.  He changed into a comfortable pair of shorts and a t-shirt and opened the door with the full intention of going straight to Lucas’s bedroom to collapse into a sound sleep.  Instead he was drawn to the living room by the sounds he heard.

Adrian was sitting on the floor cross-legged with an acoustic guitar, strumming a melody he’d come up with to match Lucas’s lyrics.  Troy was providing accompaniment on his own acoustic, providing a rich, full sound to the fast-paced song.  Lucas leaned forward from his spot on the sofa with his eyes closed in deep concentration, singing along with the music and seemingly oblivious to the girl draping herself over him and beaming at him adoringly.  Evan and Zack were listening with equal concentration, and from their finger and hand movements seemed to be trying to imagine how their own instruments would fit in.

Julian was transfixed.  Lucas was born to sing.  His voice meshed perfectly with the music Adrian and Troy played.  Though Julian wasn’t exactly well-versed in current music trends, he thought he could begin to appreciate and enjoy Sunder’s style.

The song ended abruptly.  Lucas’s eyes open and immediately fell on Julian.  “Hey,” he said warmly.  “Did you need something?”

“Oh, no.  Just eavesdropping.”

“What do you think?”

“I like it.”  Lucas was pleased.  “I’d love to stay up and hear more, but I’m worn out.  I think I’m gonna go to bed.”

“We’re about to wrap it up here anyway, I think.”  Adrian nodded and began packing his guitar away.  “We’re practicing next weekend and should be getting word on our next show soon.  I’ll make sure you know when it is so you can be there if you want.”

“Sounds good.”  Julian yawned.  “Night.  See you tomorrow.”  He went into Lucas’s bedroom, fumbled for the light switch, and turned it on before shutting the door behind him.

He was surprised at how much smaller this bedroom was.  The full-sized bed took up most of the room, with just enough space left over for a tiny dresser and a keyboard for songwriting.  Julian saw where the desk had been located and could see why Lucas had been so keen to free up space; with the desk in here there had barely been room to move around.

He pulled back the covers on the bed, then turned off the light and climbed in.  He was so overcome with exhaustion that he barely registered the scent of Lucas’s pillow before he passed out, a hint of a smile on his face.

Finally, Lucas thought as he felt the last plug slip into the proper socket behind the computer tower.  In the process of standing up he heard the sound of someone clearing his throat.  The noise startled him, and he smacked the back of his already sore head against the desk as he emerged.

“Son of a . . .” he began to mutter, but was silenced at the sight of Julian standing just inside the hallway.  The towel hung low around his waist, revealing a thin but toned upper body.  Julian’s skin was evenly toned with a light tan that he could tell was completely natural, rather than the product of time spent in the sun or under an ultraviolet light.  Lucas stared at him like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle–he sensed the oncoming danger in the back of his mind, yet was unable to move or even look away.

Julian shifted uncomfortably under Lucas’s gaze.  He didn’t know what to make of the way Lucas was looking at him, whether he should be embarrassed, flattered, or some combination of the two.  “I think you forgot something,” he said after a few awkward seconds.

Somewhere amidst the incoherent thoughts crashing through Lucas’s mind, Julian’s words connected.  His jaw dropped and he brought a hand up to his mouth in horror and embarrassment.  “Oh!  I’m so sorry!  I got a phone call and completely forgot what I was supposed to be doing.  Adrian called to confirm the band meeting was still on for tonight.  We’re having it here, by the way.  I hope it’s not a problem for you.  I’m really, really sorry.”  He knew he was rambling, so he fell silent.

Julian gave him a nervous half-smile.  He clasped his hands in front of himself and shifted on his feet again as he was subjected to Lucas’s scrutiny for several silent seconds.  Finally feeling somewhat bold, he said, “I’m really flattered at the attention and all, but I’m kind of naked here.  Just a little self-conscious, you know.”

“Right, right,” Lucas said.  He forced himself to look at the floor.  “Sorry.  Clothes.  Where are your clothes so I can grab them first?”

“Hefty bag.  Passenger’s seat.”

“Got it.”  Lucas nodded.  “Be right back.”

#

“What the fuck was that all about?” Lucas whispered to himself as the front door closed behind him.  “So you just saw a little more of your new roommate than you’d expect to see on your first day living with him.  So what?  Adrian never even bothered with a fucking towel anyway.  What’s the fucking difference between this and that, or the guys in the dressing room at the gym?”

His heart was still pounding when he reached Julian’s car.  He unlocked the passenger side door and took several deep breaths to calm himself.  He caught a glimpse of his reflection in the side-view mirror as he leaned in to grab the large black trash bag and swore again when he saw that he was blushing furiously.  He took considerably more time than necessary pulling the bag out of the car as he continued to breathe deeply, and when he next looked in the mirror he was relieved to see that his skin had returned to its normal color.  He sighed, shut the door, and started back towards the house.

“Here you go,” he said as he handed the bag to Julian, casually avoiding looking at him.  “Just change in my room.  I’ll start bringing the rest of your stuff in to your room.  I promise this time,” he said with an embarrassed grin.

“Thank you.”  Julian took the bag and headed down the hallway to Lucas’s bedroom to change.  Lucas chanced a glance at his retreating form.  The subtle muscles of his back were tense and defined from the burden of the bag, which was heavier than it looked.  The towel hung low around his waist–too low.  In fact, it seemed to be slipping even lower as Julian struggled with the bag, revealing two dimples, one on either side of a very suspicious hollow barely peeking out from underneath the towel.  Lucas felt his face instantly redden again as he realized what he was doing:  checking him out.

This realization occupied every square inch of real estate in his mind as he began unloading the rest of Julian’s belongings.  He began to reason with himself.  “He’s the first gay guy you’ve ever met.  You’re intrigued.  You’re just trying to figure out how a guy can be attracted to another guy.  It doesn’t mean you’re really attracted to him.”  This rationalization satisfied him, and he focused on the task at hand.

Julian joined him several minutes later, dressed in a pair of nice jeans and a forest green polo shirt.  Together they made quick, silent work of the unloading.  As they brought the last of the hastily-packed boxes and bags in, Lucas felt the need to break the silence with an apology.  “Sorry about earlier.  You kind of caught me by surprise.”

“Yeah, well, you can’t blame anyone but yourself, really,” replied Julian as he started organizing the clothes from the first bag.  “If you hadn’t gotten sidetracked, you wouldn’t have seen me.  But if you ask me,” he said before he could stop himself, “I think you liked what you saw.”

Shit, Lucas thought.  Out loud he stammered, “D-did not.”

“Liar,” Julian chuckled.  Inwardly he was baffled at why he was running his mouth like this.  He felt like he was . . . flirting.  Treading on dangerous ground, he thought.  Talk fast.  “I can appreciate a beautiful woman, you know.  I just wouldn’t be attracted to her.  Who’s to say a straight guy can’t do the same thing regarding another guy?  It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

Lucas considered this, but shook his head.  “I don’t know any guy who thinks like that.”  He grabbed a handful of hangers from the closet.  “But I guess it makes sense.  And, okay, yeah, I couldn’t help but notice you do seem to take good care of yourself.”  That was safe and true enough.

“Thank you,” Julian said, beaming.  “I try to.  And I was honestly flattered, but I can take a compliment like that without reading too much into it.”  He took the hangers from Lucas and motioned towards the desk, where his own computer sat in pieces.  “Since you enjoy setting them up so much . . .”

Lucas rolled his eyes and smirked, then reached for the box of wires and computer components.  Together they unpacked and organized Julian’s new room for an hour and a half, then the doorbell rang.

“Guess the guys are here.  You should come meet them.”  Lucas closed the box he’d been unpacking and left the room to greet the guests.

Julian inwardly cringed.  As he’d mentioned earlier that day (had it really been just that day?  it seemed ages ago) he wasn’t good with people, especially strangers.  Lucas, of course, had been a pleasant exception, but for the most part Julian suffered from mild social anxiety.  He sighed, tried to shrug off the trepidation he always felt in these situations and headed into the living room to say hello to Lucas’s friends.

Warnings this time! A teensy bit of naughtiness…enjoy! ;)

Chapter 5

The phone rang for the second time that day, jolting Lucas from his reverie.  He quickly rinsed the mug Julian had been using earlier, which was now ultra-clean thanks to its repeated washing, and placed it upside-down in the dish drainer.  He answered the phone on the third ring.  “Hello?”

“Lu-u-u-uke!”  It was Adrian.  “What’s going on?”

Adrian was more than a friend to Lucas; he was practically a brother.  He had a knack for instantly putting Lucas in a better mood with his mere presence, or even simply his voice over the phone.  He was jovial and easy-going, despite his sometimes scary appearance.  He avoided sunlight whenever possible, giving his skin an extremely pale tone that bordered on translucence.  This contrasted sharply with his preference for wearing all black, his short jet-black hair which usually stood straight up with the assistance of copious amounts of styling products, and his many facial piercings.  He’d developed his style so long ago that Lucas couldn’t picture him any other way.

“Hey, Adrian.  Engaged yet?”

Adrian’s merry laughter tinkled across the connection like windchimes.  “Not yet.  You know you’ll be the first to know.  What about you?” he asked playfully, knowing full well Lucas’s feelings, or lack thereof, towards Sara.

“You’re not funny.  Not funny at all,” Lucas retorted.  “I have a new roommate, by the way.”

“Quick work.”

“Tell me about it.  I posted the ad just after I woke up, checked my email and regular websites, then decided to move my computer to the living room to free up some space in the bedroom.  I’m under the desk unhooking everything, and the phone rings.  Scared the shit out of me and made me hit my head.”

“Ouch.  So do we need to have the band meeting somewhere else tonight, or do it another night?”

“Oh, no.  It shouldn’t be a problem to meet here tonight.  I’ve been working on some lyrics, so bring your acoustic.”

“Sure thing.  Gotta go.  See you in a couple of hours.”  With that, Adrian hung up.  Lucas placed the phone back on the charger and tried to remember what he was supposed to be doing.  The only thing that came to mind was moving the computer, a project that had bugged him for the past week.  He went back to work disassembling the computer.  Soon he moved the small student desk out of the cramped bedroom and got lost in the task of putting everything together again.

#

It was the best shower Julian had ever experienced.  The warm water shot from the showerhead with just the right intensity, giving a relaxing massage without feeling like it was going to blast away a layer of skin.  He rested his hands against the wall from which the faucets protruded and leaned forward with his head down, allowing the water to hit the tense spots in his neck and shoulders.  After working out most of the tension with this method, he turned his attention to cleaning himself up properly.

Lucas used a simple but effective brand of shampoo, and with hair like his Julian was not surprised to find a high-end brand of conditioner next to it on the narrow shelf on the shower wall.  He opened the bottle of conditioner and smelled.  It was very lightly fragranced and Julian’s mind wandered, imagining a scene in which he released Lucas’s long blond hair from its ponytail and leaned forward to breathe in its scent as he ran his fingers through the silky length of it . . . .

He stopped short of physically slapping himself.  Get a grip, he thought.  This has got to stop.  He replaced the cap on the expensive conditioner and swapped it for the shampoo.  He squeezed a dollop of the clear green product into his hand and washed his hair quickly, then reached for the orange bar of soap.

He lathered up and washed his body, paying considerably more attention to some areas than others out of habit, random images of Lucas flashing in his mind.  With a sigh of frustration, he resigned himself to the fact that, like it or not, he had a crush.  He was not going to be able to reason his way out of this; he would simply have to let it run its course.  He gave himself over fully to the fantasies that had, until now, merely tiptoed through his mind.

The intensity of the orgasm that soon followed made his knees buckle.  He braced himself against the frame of the shower door and the opposite wall to keep from collapsing.  He turned his head and pressed his mouth against his shoulder to stifle any noise that might alert Lucas as to what exactly his new roommate was doing in his shower.  He was unable to silence himself completely; he barely heard his own quiet whimpers over the running water.

After Julian caught his breath, he rinsed off one last time, then checked for and eliminated any evidence of his indulgence.  He turned off the shower and dried off with one of the larger towels he had found in the linen cabinet.  He wrapped the towel around his waist and located a fresh disposable razor.  Using a small amount of Lucas’s shaving cream, he tidied up his attempt at a goatee, then studied himself in the mirror.

“Damn it, Julian.  You’re seriously fucked,” he said softly to his reflection.  “Fine, go ahead.  Have your little crush.  But get over it soon, because it’s never going to happen.”

He grabbed his dirty clothes and exited the bathroom, clean, freshly shaven, and riding the natural high that always comes with a new crush.  He opened the door next to the bathroom and was greeted by the sight of a very empty bedroom.

Sighing, he dropped his laundry on the floor, made sure the towel around his waist was secure, and set off in search of Lucas and his belongings.

Lucas hastily made preparations for his visitor.  He was in the middle of putting clean sheets on his bed when the doorbell rang.  He gathered his composure as he walked to the front door and placed a hand on the doorknob.  He drew a deep breath and opened the door.

Before him stood a young man who appeared to be in his early twenties.  He had short, neatly-trimmed dark red hair, a stark contrast to his own long blond locks.  The redhead had a rumpled look about him, from the day’s worth of stubble growing on his jaw to the wrinkled clothes he wore, which consisted of a stale-smelling dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and an unkempt pair of khakis.  He looked like he’d just gotten off work . . . a day ago.  Lucas met the redhead’s deep green eyes and smiled welcomingly as he offered his hand.  “Hi, Julian.  Nice to meet you.”

Julian shook the offered hand and smiled back wearily.  “Hello, Lucas,” he replied.  Lucas looked different than Julian had expected.  His gray eyes had a slight twinkle to them as he smiled, and he wore a pair of jeans that, judging from the state of them, must have been his favorite.  His black t-shirt had two simple words on it:  “DON’T PANIC.”  In large, friendly letters, Julian mentally added, and his smile brightened a little at the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference.  Lucas gestured for Julian to enter.  “Come on in.”

Julian stepped through the doorway and Lucas closed the door behind him.  He inhaled deeply as he entered, and a wonderful aroma perked him up.  “I smell coffee.”

“In the kitchen.  Have a seat.  I’ll fix you a cup.”

The kitchen was more of a kitchenette, sharing the large room into which the front door opened with the dining and living areas.  Julian took a seat at the small dining table while Lucas poured hot coffee into two plain white ceramic mugs.  “Cream or sugar?” Lucas asked.

“Oh, no.  Black, please.”

Lucas placed one of the mugs of coffee in front of Julian and doctored the other with inordinate amounts of powdered creamer and sugar.  Julian smirked.  “If you hate coffee that much, why drink it?  Stick with cocoa.”

“Great idea!” Lucas exclaimed.  He took a canister of powdered instant cocoa from the overhead cabinet and added a spoonful to his mug.  “Now it’s a mocha latte,” he pronounced as he looked at Julian triumphantly.

Julian rolled his eyes dramatically but couldn’t suppress the grin for long.  The grin soon dissolved into the first genuine laugh he’d indulged in for weeks.  He wiped his eyes and looked at Lucas.  He was suddenly aware of just how attracted he was to him.  He looked down at his coffee, trying to push the thought out of his mind.  Straight until proven otherwise, he thought.  No sense getting all worked up over someone you can’t have.  He took a sip of his coffee and realized he would have to educate Lucas on how to brew it properly.  Though it wasn’t the worst he’d tasted, he couldn’t blame him for dressing it up.

“So, Lucas,” he said.  “You know all about me from that phone call.  Tell me a little about yourself.”

Lucas’s eyes brightened over his own mug.  He gulped down the mouthful of coffee he’d just taken and set the mug down.  “Well, for starters, I’m in a band.  I’m the vocalist for Sunder.”

Julian frowned.  “Never heard of them.”

Lucas’s face fell.  Julian looked embarrassed.  “Don’t take it personally.  I usually listen to talk radio.”

Lucas shrugged.  “It’s ok.  We’re not even on the radio.  Yet.”  He emphasized the word yet.  “We usually play at The Grid whenever we have the opportunity.  Adrian, my former roommate, is the guitarist and his girlfriend is the owner’s daughter, so he lets us practice there during closed hours and perform at least once a month.  It doesn’t pay the bills yet, but it’s a start.  At least it’s exposure.”

“So what does pay the bills?”

“I’m a veterinary assistant.”

Julian nearly spat out his coffee.  “Wow,” he said.  “That does not fit the image of a future rock star.”

Lucas shrugged.  “What can I say?  I like animals.  But I have scars.”  He held up his arms, showing off very faint cat scratch scars on his wrists.  “Does that make me look more badass?”

“Oh, absolutely,” said Julian.  He had to tear his gaze away from Lucas’s pale gray eyes to look, and again he chastised himself.  He took another sip of bad coffee.  “So why’d your friend move out?”

“Hope you can keep a secret,” Lucas said with the grin of someone with fantastic news to share.  Julian nodded.  “He’s planning to propose to his girlfriend, so he’s playing house with her to get ready for that step.”

“Wow.”  Julian saw this as an opportunity to get an answer to the question occupying his thoughts without being too obvious.  “What about you?  I’m surprised you don’t have a girlfriend to move in with yourself.”

Lucas’s face darkened.  “Well, I do have a girlfriend.”

“But?”

Lucas shrugged.  “She’s my first girlfriend, actually.  Her name’s Sara.  We haven’t been together long enough to really consider a move like that.  She kind of attached herself to me after a show, and she stays over often enough.  She’s fun, but I get the feeling she’s more into the idea of dating a guy in a band rather than me as a person.  So I really don’t see it lasting much longer.”  He paused and toyed with his nearly empty mug as he struggled to find a polite way to word his next question, then looked back at Julian.  “So, should I expect any special guests in particular?”

“You mean, do I have a boyfriend?” Julian said, amused at Lucas’s awkwardness.  It was obvious he wasn’t entirely used to the idea of a gay roommate yet.  “It’s okay, you can say it.”  So he’s straight, Julian thought, and some of the tension lifted.  “But no, I don’t.  Never have, actually.”

Lucas was surprised.  “Really?  Then how do you know you’re gay?”

The question seemed silly to Julian, but Lucas sincerely couldn’t grasp the concept.  He humored him with an explanation.  “Just because I’ve never dated anyone doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m looking for.  When you started feeling attraction towards other people, it was to girls.  For me, it was guys.  I remember checking out a male model on a poster at the mall once.  My dad caught me at it and told me that’s not how a proper young man should behave.  I got punished, and he became much more vocal about ‘those goddamn queers’ after that.  When I realized what he meant, I knew that’s what I was.  I also knew I could never be open with him.  I didn’t allow myself to explore this part of myself.  And then yesterday it went to hell.”

Lucas took a final sip of cool coffee and set the empty mug down.  “Feel like talking about it?”

Julian shrugged.  “Dad visited one of his restaurants and threw out a gay couple that had the audacity to have their date there.  He started on one of his rants, and I guess I was just sick of his attitude finally.  I said, ‘You know I’m gay, right?’  He told me to leave.  Offered me a quarter of a million dollars to get out of his life forever.  I tore up the check.”

Lucas’s eyes nearly popped out of his head.  “Why the hell did you do that?”

“Pride, I guess.  Maybe it was stupid of me, but I couldn’t accept it.  Then he wanted me to pretend it wasn’t true so I wouldn’t have to leave.  I’d been pretending my whole life, and I was tired of hiding.  My mom didn’t stick up for me, either.  She never goes against him.”  The wound was still fresh, and Lucas could taste the anger in Julian’s voice.  “Your parents are supposed to love you no matter what.  Do you have any idea what it’s like to be shut out by them because you’re not what they want you to be?”

Lucas looked down.  “Kind of.”  He raised his eyes to see Julian looking at him questioningly.  “Alcoholic father.  Abusive.  Not exactly a new, unusual, and exciting story.  Grades were never good enough, room was never clean enough, and everything was an excuse to beat some sense into me.  Finally I really did come to my senses.  I started staying with Adrian a lot.  Eventually I just moved in.  He had the bright idea to start a band when he got a guitar for Christmas one year.  In high school we picked up another guitarist, a drummer, and a bassist.  After graduation we went to the same community college for two years and then moved here.  He met Carrie, his girlfriend, and you know the rest, and did I really just tell my life story to a virtual stranger?”  He said this last part sheepishly.

Julian smiled.  “As did I.”  He stood up to rinse out his empty mug.

“Oh, I’ll take that,” Lucas said, taking Julian’s mug from him and carrying both empty mugs to the sink.  “You should grab a shower.  I’m sure you’ll feel a hell of a lot better once you’re cleaned up.”  He started to run warm water into the sink.  “I’ll start unloading your car if you leave me the keys.  I’ll put your stuff in Adrian’s old room.  I don’t have any sheets or blankets to fit his old bed and I really hate trying to shop on Saturdays in this town, but you can use my room till we get you set up tomorrow.  I’ll take the sofa.”  Lucas gestured to the sofa in the small living area.

Julian looked up, alarmed.  “Oh, I don’t want to put you out.  I can take the couch.  I don’t mind.”

Lucas waved the idea away.  “It’s fine.  I keep weird hours on weekends, so I’d only keep you up if you stayed in here.  Half the time I wind up falling asleep in here anyway, so it’s really no trouble.  I promise.”

Julian nodded understandingly.  He reached into his pocket for his keys and tossed them onto the table.  “Thanks,” he said simply as he headed towards the hallway.

“Bathroom’s on the right.  Your room will be the one next to it.  I’ll put your stuff in there.  You’ll be sleeping across the hall tonight.”

Julian paused at the entrance to the short hallway.  He turned back to Lucas.  “Why are you doing so much for me, anyway?  A ‘virtual stranger,’ as you put it?  I mean, I’m the first person to answer your ad.  You don’t know me.  You should have let it run for a few days, met a few people, and made a choice then.”

Lucas thought for a moment before answering, because he really didn’t know the answer himself.  “I guess I just have a feeling about this.  It seems like the right thing to do.”

Julian smiled gratefully.  “Well, thanks again.  You’re a lifesaver.”

Lucas returned the smile.  “Welcome home.”

For a brief moment they regarded one another.  The warmth of the new friendship filled the room, and with it a strange undercurrent of something neither could quite place.  Julian nodded once, then disappeared into the bathroom.  Lucas heard the shower running a few minutes later and turned his attention to the dirty mugs and his muddled thoughts.  Over and over again he washed the same mug, trying to figure out exactly what had transpired between them just then.

It was originally going to be longer but I split it into 2 chapters so I could make sure I got something posted in time for her birthday. Which means…another update very soon!

Chapter 3

“Mother-FUCKER!” Lucas swore as the back of his head cracked against the underside of his desk.  Muttering more choice curses involving the taboo sexual practices and questionable parentage of some unseen entity in the room and the son of a God he wasn’t sure he believed in, he crawled out of the jungle of wires underneath the desk and briefly considered throwing the obnoxiously loud phone across the room to silence the ringing.  Instead, he answered it.  “Hello,” he said as he massaged the sore spot on his head.

A hesitant voice spoke on the other end of the line.  “Yeah, I’m calling about the ad?  The one about the roommate?”

“Oh!  Wow, that was fast!”  Lucas cleared his throat. “Lucas Edwards.”

“Julian Mercier,” said the voice, which sounded normal enough, much to Lucas’s relief.  He knew the typical caliber of the metropolitan area’s Craigslist following and was pleased that his first replier didn’t give off that impression.  He relaxed a bit and plopped down on the couch.  He tucked a stray strand of blond hair that had escaped his waist-length ponytail behind his ear and prepared to discuss business with Julian Mercier, potential roommate.

After a short awkward silence Julian spoke again.  “Is there anything I need to know that wasn’t in the ad?”

Lucas thought for a minute.  “Not that I can think of.  I put up the ad because my friend that was staying here moved in with his girlfriend.  We lived here together for four years, moving in right after high school graduation.”

“So that makes you, what, 22?”

“23 actually.”

“Oh. We’re the same age then.”

Lucas smiled.  “That’s good to know.  What do you do for a living?”

“I work in IT at Mainstream Office Solutions.  I pretty much single-handedly keep their computers and network in shape.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“Not really.”

This earned a chuckle from Lucas.  “So you think you can swing $600 a month?”

“Shouldn’t be a problem.”

This was working out better than Lucas had hoped. Within thirty minutes of posting his had, he’d not only gotten a response, but from a reasonably sane and promising individual.  He smiled again.  “Do you have any questions for me?”

“Just one,” Julian said quietly.  “This may seem a little out of left field.”

Lucas’s smile faltered.  Here it comes, he thought.  He is a freak after all.  He sighed softly.  “Shoot.”

Julian paused as he gathered up the nerve to drop the earth-shattering bombshell.  “Is it a problem that I’m gay?”

That was not what Lucas had expected to hear.  Lucas couldn’t stifle the laughter which burst forth unexpectedly from his lips.

Julian wasn’t sure why Lucas was laughing, but he assumed his sexuality was indeed a problem.  He stammered as he searched for a polite way to end the call.  “The reason I ask is because it’s why my parents kicked me out.  I thought I’d get it out in the open right off the bat to avoid any nasty surprises later.  I’m sorry to have bothered you.”

“No!” Lucas exclaimed before the phone had traveled too far away from Julian’s ear.  His laughter immediately vanished.  “I don’t have a problem with it.”  He massaged his forehead with his left hand.  “It’s just the way you built up to it.  I was expecting you to ask if the yard was big enough for your pet giraffe or something.”  He chuckled nervously.  Julian was quiet.  Too quiet.  “You still there?” Lucas asked.

“Yeah,” Julian said softly.  “Sorry.  It’s just a touchy subject for me right now.”

“I understand.”  Lucas stood up and began to pace.  It helped him clear his mind and think about Julian’s situation.  “Your parents kicked you out because you came out?”

“That’s it in a nutshell.”

“And you’re calling me, a complete stranger, why?  Surely a friend would be sympathetic and take you in.  Or a family member.”

Julian laughed cynically.  “I’ve never made friends easily, first of all.  I’m not close enough to anyone I know to ask them for this kind of favor.  And family?  My father is Renauld Mercier.  No one in my family goes against him.  He kicks me out, everyone else shuns me.”

Renauld Mercier.  The name sounded familiar, but it took a few seconds for Lucas to make the connection.  “Renauld?  As in Renauld’s, the fancy Euro dining chain?”

“That’s the one,” Julian said with a sigh.

“But that doesn’t make any sense!” Lucas exclaimed doubtfully.  “You should have a fat trust fund or bank account somewhere!”

Another sigh.  “Hardly.  He worked hard to get to where he is, and he expects me to do the same.  I never got a penny from him I didn’t earn.  I even had to pay room and board when I started working.  My savings is all mine, and it’s not much.  The only thing he ever gave me was my car as a graduation present, and he even tried to take that back once he found out I wasn’t going to bother with college.”

Lucas sat down again, speechless.  Julian had been through a lot, and his instinct screamed at him to help him out.  He felt a little awkward about making such an offer so soon, but somehow he knew it was the right thing to do.  “Okay.  Okay.  Here’s what we’ll do since you’re in such a tight spot.”  He gave Julian the address to his house.  “Go ahead and pack up whatever you can bring.  If it doesn’t look like we’ll work out as long-term roommates, which I kind of doubt, then at least you’ll have a place to stay until you can find something else.  Do you know where the place is, or do you need directions?”

“I know how to get there,” Julian replied.

“Good.”  Lucas stood up one last time and walked towards the cordless phone’s base, preparing to end the call.  “So when do you think you can be here?”

Julian laughed sadly.  “Fifteen minutes.  I packed last night and slept in my car.  I’m actually calling from the library right now.”  The phone clicked as Julian hung up.

“Guess I’ll see you in fifteen minutes, then,” Lucas said to the dial tone.

The first ray of sunlight streamed through the window.  Julian stirred and blinked his eyes open slowly, adjusting to the brightness.  The car was stifling already.  The lack of fresh air made it difficult to breathe, and he was drenched in sweat.  He sat up and winced in pain.  The trash bag full of clothes was a decent enough pillow, though it stuck to his face, but finding a comfortable position around the front seats and gearshift had been impossible.

Julian stepped out of the car and began stretching his cramped muscles, working out the kinks in the tissue and joints.  He wished he’d sprung for a motel room, but quickly reminded himself that the money he’d saved up needed to go towards acquiring a more permanent place of residence.

And food.  His stomach growled and his system screamed for its morning coffee.  After he worked out as much of the stiffness as he was able, he got back in the car and started the ignition.  He pulled out of the back alley of Mainstream Office Solutions, his place of employment and the only safe place he’d thought of to camp for the night.

The nearby McDonald’s was a semi-regular stop for Julian during the week.  He was a sucker for their breakfast when he had time and morning rush hour wasn’t too much of a nightmare.  He parked his car near the entrance closest to the restrooms and set the alarm as he got out.  He made a quick detour to the men’s room first, not only to answer the call of nature, but also to make himself as presentable as possible without a proper shower.  He splashed cold water on his face and silently thanked whatever deity might be listening that this particular restaurant still stocked paper towels rather than installing those pointless hot air blowers.  He gave himself as much of a sponge bath as he could without being indecent and cursed himself for forgetting to bring in his toothbrush.  When he was satisfied with his appearance, he exited the restroom and approached the counter.
“Egg McMuffin meal with coffee, please,” he ordered.

“Coffee’s out,” replied the teenaged girl working the register.

“I–huh?”  McDonald’s?  Out of coffee?  Had hell frozen over as well?

“Machine’s down,” said the cashier, obviously bored.  She’d probably explained this a hundred times already.  “Juice, soda, or tea?”

“Orange juice, I guess.”  An awful start to an awful day, Julian predicted.  He paid for his meal, which was ready by the time the transaction was finished, and sat down to eat.

Outside, a family of four dined. Julian watched them morosely, seeing a childhood he never knew.  The two children barely tasted their pancakes as they wolfed them down in their haste to get to the Playland, the real reason they’d begged their parents to come here.  The parents watched them lovingly as they ripped off their shoes and raced each other to the slide.  They would never dream of punishing their children for being born a certain way.  Julian suddenly felt sick at the sight of the happy family, so he quickly disposed of his trash and went back to the car.

He’d had plenty of time to work out a plan of action the previous night.  He’d visit the library and check the newspapers for available apartments.  Perhaps the internet as well, though Julian was hesitant about it.The library was just opening as Julian pulled into the parking lot.  Inside, he piled a stack of newspapers from the past week onto a table and spent the better part of the morning scouring the classifieds for apartments to rent.  Many were out of his price range even before figuring in utilities, and the ones he did call about had already been taken.

He carried the pile of papers back to the reference desk and threw them down in frustration.  It looked like he would spend at least one more uncomfortable night in his car in an alleyway like . . . like a homeless person.  That’s what you are, he thought.  Homeless.  The reality crashed down on him suddenly.  He leaned over the desk and buried his face in his arms.

The librarian regarded him sympathetically.  “Can I help you find what you’re looking for?” she asked.

“Not unless you happen to have a spare apartment in your back pocket,” he said, his voice muffled by his arms.

“Craigslist.”

Julian looked up.  “No,” he said emphatically.  “I’ve heard the horror stories.”

The librarian chuckled.  “It’s not all bad,” she said.  “There are a few strange ones there, but if you’re needing help that badly, you should be able to find someone looking for a roommate.”

Julian cringed inwardly.  He hadn’t considered the possibility of moving in with a total stranger.  A roommate made sense, of course, but he’d always been a loner, separated from others because of who his father was as well as simply preferring to keep to himself.  He sighed.  “Fine.  Sign me up for a computer.”

As lunchtime drew near, Julian was ready to give up hope yet again.  The few calls he’d made resulted in Julian politely saying, “Thank you for your time, but I don’t think I’d be a good fit.”  This met with swearing and threats on the other end of the line.

Just before his time ran out, something nagged at him to give the listings one last look.  He clicked the refresh button on the web browser.  A new listing appeared.  Last one, he thought as he clicked the link with some trepidation.

“Roommate wanted.  Small 2BR/1BA house.  Quiet neighborhood.  No excessive partying, drugs, or heavy drinking please.  $600/mo including utilities.”

This looked promising.  He scribbled down the phone number and logged off.  He thanked the librarian for her help, then went outside to the pay phone to make his last phone call of the day.  He deposited his change, dialed the humber, and held his breath as the line connected.

It made me think, now how did that get there? I found myself making up a story about it, and this is what I came up with. Be warned: it contains disturbing content and imagery, so reader discretion advised. It was difficult to write at times and I feel like I’m baring some dark part of my soul here. I don’t know where it came from. Nothing like this has ever actually happened to me, though sadly I’m sure something similar happens every single day to some child in the world.

Comments welcome…I kinda threw this together on the spur of the moment and would like to see what others think. I didn’t write it for myself or anyone else to get off on it, so please don’t send me any hate mail accusing me of being a sicko. I also didn’t intend to offend anyone with it. It is what it is, and once it was in my head I had to write it.

More behind the link due to content.

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“Come on, baby, wake up. We’re goin’ for a ride.”

Lucy opened her eyes as her daddy shook her awake. It was too dark to see him, but she sure could smell him. His breath had that funny smell it sometimes had, like he had swallowed a whole bunch of that nasty cough medicine her mama always made her take when she got sick. He also had that smell like he just came back from the woods with a fresh deer, all sweaty and smelling like pennies.

“Where’re we goin’?” she asked sleepily, clutching her blue teddy bear tightly to her chest as her daddy pulled back the covers.

“Just be quiet, ok? We’re gonna take a trip, just you and me. It’ll be fun. Wanna take a trip with Daddy?”

He picked her up, bear and all, and she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. “Why do you smell funny?”

“Shh, baby girl, don’t worry about it.”

She buried her face into his shoulder as he carried her outside. He put her in the passenger seat of his pickup truck and slammed the door. He went back inside for a few minutes and came back with a small bag that had been packed in a hurry. When he opened the door, the light illuminated him for the first time that night, and she noticed the stains on his shirt.

“Did you go huntin’?” Lucy asked through a yawn.

“I told you to be quiet, didn’t I?” he said. Sometimes he got like this. Lucy had learned a long time ago that when Daddy got angry it was best to keep her mouth shut. She didn’t like to get smacked, so she tried to be a good little girl like he wanted. Sometimes he’d smack her even when she was doing what she was told, but at least it wasn’t as bad then.

Her daddy started up the truck and backed out of the driveway, and soon they were on the highway. He was driving silly again. Sometimes this made her giggle, and sometimes it scared her, like tonight. He reached into the bag and pulled out a bottle of that nasty-smelling stuff he liked to drink, took a few sips, and wedged the bottle in between his legs, not bothering to put the cap back on. She snuggled her teddy bear and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the icy cold window, trying to go back to sleep so she wouldn’t have to watch the truck drifting all over the slippery road.

It seemed like she had just dozed off when she felt him shaking her awake again. He picked her up again and carried her inside a strange building where he spoke to a man standing behind a glass window. Lucy looked outside and saw that it had started snowing. Maybe in the morning Daddy would let her go outside and play in it.

He finished talking to the man, gave him some money, and got a key. He carried Lucy outside and used the key to open up a door. There were two beds and a sink in the room, which Lucy thought was strange.

“Where are we?” she asked.

“A motel. We’re gonna stay here tonight and get going in the morning after the weather’s gotten better and they’ve had a chance to clear the roads.” He plopped Lucy down onto the bed closest to the sink. “You go ahead and get some sleep. I’m gonna get a shower.” He pulled back the covers and helped Lucy get settled in bed, disappeared into the bathroom, and after a few minutes Lucy heard the water running. She began to drift off to sleep again.

The next time she stirred, it was because she felt her bed sink a little with the weight of her daddy sitting on it. She felt him pull back her covers and smelled and felt his hot, mediciney breath close to her face. She opened her eyes and saw she was staring at the nightstand between the two beds. The bottle he had been drinking from earlier was sitting empty on that table. She turned her head to look at her daddy. His face was inches away from hers, and he wasn’t wearing any clothes.

“What are you doin’?” she asked.

He slapped her on the side of the face, not enough to hurt, but enough to know that she better do exactly what he said or she’d be in big trouble. “Be quiet,” he whispered. He was breathing heavy, like he’d been running for a while or something. He was resting his weight on his left arm and using that hand to stroke her hair, and his other hand was doing something in his lap that she couldn’t really see. Then he started kissing her over and over again, all over the face and on the lips, and in between kisses he kept saying over and over again, “Daddy loves you. You know that, right? Daddy loves you.”

Lucy felt his right hand on the inside of her leg. It started at her knee and slid up her thigh, raising her pink flannel nightgown with it. When it reached her panties she whimpered in fear. She didn’t know why it felt wrong, but she just knew he shouldn’t be touching her there. He placed a finger on her lips, shushing her. She swallowed hard and didn’t make a single sound after that. She knew that something bad was about to happen to her, but she knew better than to talk back to Daddy.

He sat up and used both hands to slide her panties off. Lucy hugged her teddy bear tighter than ever before and tried not to look at him because it was embarrassing. She turned her head and stared at the red blinking light on the smoke detector that hung on the wall next to her bed.

The next thing she knew she was in awful pain. It felt like two people had each grabbed one of her legs and pulled, trying to tear her in half. Something was inside of her, moving back and forth, and she could feel things shifting and tearing down there. She could feel him leaning over her again, breathing heavier and heavier and making weird grunting sounds. She squeezed her eyes shut and tears began streaming down the sides of her face and disappearing into her hair, but she didn’t make one peep.

Finally whatever it was was over. His breathing got quicker, as did the movement. Then the thing inside her got pushed in so far that she thought she wouldn’t be able to help but scream, yet she kept quiet. It felt like something hot was being squirted out of it as it started to twitch, and as soon as it hit the raw, burning tissue inside her it began to sting.

The whole thing couldn’t have lasted longer than a couple of minutes, but it felt like forever. After a few seconds the intruder was removed, and her father got up and went back to the bathroom. When he came back out he was dressed again and thankfully laid down on the other bed. After a few minutes he began to snore and Lucy felt like she could finally breathe again. She didn’t know what had just happened, but she had done exactly what she was told to do and kept quiet. She moved away from the spot she had been laying. It was wet and stained with blood. She curled up like a baby with her bear and sobbed silently until she fell into an uneasy sleep.

They left a couple of hours after dawn the next morning. Her father did not look at her at all when he woke her up and told her her bath was ready. She was still sore and the water stung at first when she sat down in the warm water, but after a while it felt better. She scrubbed herself all over with soap and a washcloth, but she couldn’t make herself feel clean for some reason. She gave up after a while and got dressed in the outfit her father had packed in the overnight bag. When she came back out she found he had removed all the sheets and blankets from her bed, but she didn’t ask what happened.

He didn’t carry her around today like he did the last night. She stayed a few steps behind him, staring at the ground as she walked, holding her teddy bear. After turning in the key, they were on their way to wherever he was taking them.

As they were driving down the highway, not a word was spoken between them. Lucy watched the pristine snowy landscape zoom by them. Her father lit up cigarette after cigarette, something he didn’t do very often. Her throat began to tickle and burn from all the smoke building up in the truck, so she rolled down the window to let it air out. As she was doing so, she happened to get a closer look at her teddy bear. Parts of its bright blue fur were stained with blood from sometime during the night.

It made her sick to look at it, and without another thought she tossed the bear out the window. She looked back as they continued to drive on. The bear landed sitting perfectly upright, and its color stood out in sharp contrast to the pure white snow. As the truck continued on, the bright blue spot grew smaller and smaller until she couldn’t see it anymore. Then she turned and looked straight ahead, suddenly all grown up, preparing herself for whatever lay ahead.

Julian stared at the check with a mixture of shock and horror. The check was good, there was no doubt about that. In fact, it was practically pocket change to his father. He was shocked because, despite Renauld Mercier’s considerable wealth, he was hardly known for his generosity–even when it came to his own son. He was horrified because of the particular reason why Renauld felt the sudden need to part with such a large sum.

Julian’s hands shook from rage and fear as he painfully tore the check in half. Placing the scraps together, he repeated the process twice more. He met his father’s steely gaze as he tossed the eight scraps of paper that seconds ago had been a quarter of a million dollars in his father’s direction.

“If you want your faggot son out of your life this badly, all you have to do is ask.” He felt the heat emanating from his face and knew it must be nearly the same shade of red as his hair. He stood up quickly, jostling the dinner table as he did so and knocking over his mother’s wine glass. She gasped, leapt to her feet, and immediately set about cleaning up the spill, more concerned with keeping the merlot from ruining her gleaming white tablecloth than with the volatile situation brewing between her husband and only child.

Julian continued to stare at Renauld, paying his mother as much attention as she paid him. “I won’t let you buy me off. I don’t want your money. If you really want me gone, I’m gone.”

Renauld buckled under the intensity of Julian’s stare and lowered his gaze. “Yes, I want you gone,” he said with a slight French accent to the table. The accent was a holdover from his childhood, picked up from his own parents, and it no longer made its appearance unless he was extremely upset or stressed out. Both were applicable here.

Julian sighed. He looked at his mother, who still devoted her attention to the spreading wine stain instead of involving herself in the dispute. “Fine. Give me a few hours to pack and I’ll be out of your hair for good.”

The path to his bedroom took him past where his father stood. Renauld grabbed his arm as he tried to pass. He turned Julian around forcefully to face him and finally met his gaze. “It doesn’t have to be this way, son. Take it back and we can pretend it never happened.”

“I can’t do that. I won’t. I’m gay, Dad. Just because I’m only now able to say it out loud doesn’t mean it wasn’t true last week, or last year, or five years ago. It shouldn’t change anything, but unfortunately it has. If you can’t look past this and see the same person I’ve been all my life, then I’m not going to live a lie just to stay in your good graces.” He tried to shrug free, but Renauld merely tightened his grip.

“Where are you going to go? Huh? No one in the family is going to let you mooch off them. I hope you’ve been careful with your money, because I’m not making you another offer to help you out.” He eyed Julian warily. “You got some queer at work to shack up with?”

“No, Dad, I don’t. I don’t have anyone. I’ve been too scared of something like this happening to even think about trying to date.” He shrugged again, and this time succeeded in breaking free. “I’ll take care of myself. If there’s anything you’ve taught me, it’s that I can’t rely on anyone but myself. Not even my own father. As for where I’m gonna go…” Julian sighed. “Anywhere but here sounds damn good right about now.”